Just a note….

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August is, for me, the cruellest month.  It was in August, 2010, that my soulmate and
domestic partner of 43 years died suddenly of a massive cerebral hemorrhage.  My life was radically
changed.  I don’t quite know how to look forward, and am still trying to re-imagine the universe.

We were newly retired teachers–one in mathematics and one in the arts–had just bought a home in New Hampshire midway between the mountains and the sea, were in good health and looking forward to many new, good things  when, as they say, it hit the fan.  I learned that grief is very much like fear–it gets you right in the gut.  And so I proceeded to develop a cancerous tumor, right in the gut, the mind-body connection patently obvious.  Surgery, a refusal of chemo and a good health regimen have returned a semblance of sanity  to this big old houseful of me, my big, old dog, and my two old cats.

Memory has a way of causing one to relive traumatic experiences as anniversaries come around.  So I give myself a more gentle time in August.

I plan to keep up the momentum of my weekly poem posting, but for this month I think I will re-post a few things from my archives.

One of the things my beloved friend had been planning to do was to help me to try and publish some of the many hundreds of poems I’ve written over the years…..and to not be such an Emily Dickinson about it. I always replied that poetry really has no marketability, and my work, especially, doesn’t exactly fit what is popular today, so why bother?

The adventure of this blog has been a good thing for me; I deeply appreciate and thank everyone who simply reads it, and blow a kiss to my faithful ‘liking” and commenting friends.

—Cynthia

25 responses »

  1. Thank you for telling us this, Cynthia. Such a hard thing. Some of the finest poems on your blog are a testimony to the shock and the grief at the death of your partner. Others speak (maybe between the lines) about how one carries on. I enjoy browsing and rereading your poems – there’s plenty of humour too. I’m sure others must feel the same, but I know nothing about publishing, whether books, periodicals or ebooks. Perhaps there’s someone who understands these things and can help you – I’d buy a copy, that’s for sure.

  2. Thank you so much, John. I remain in Emily Dickenson mode–not interested in pursuing publication except maybe here, where there is the possibility of interchange with what is more precious to me–readers like you.

  3. Thank you Cynthia, for sharing this regarding your life and love – which I venture, are the same. I admire how one can lose so much and yet carry on.

    I admire you, my dear.

    I enjoy your poems as they hold a unique charm – and the occasional dash of humour – that resonates.

    All silent prayers and good wishes,
    Eric

  4. Yes, Cyn, you must publish your poems. Mary was such a dynamic force in knowing what needs to be done. I so enjoy and I am comforted by your poems. Eileen

  5. This post is resonating deeply, and I feel for your loss and subsequent strength you have garnered to keep on keeping on.

    I used to think of grief as losing a partner or friend to death, but I have learned in the past two years that it spreads itself much further. I am grieving for the “me” I feel I have lost since my diagnosis. In two years my condition has deterirated rapidly and I am adjusting to many “new normals” while simultaneously grieving the old ones. Life is difficult, but it is life and I am still alive and almost kicking, well with one leg at least! 🙂 i have many blessings and count them every day, more so on bad days to remind myself what I still have.

    Here’s to the moment, which is all we each have 🙂

    Christine

    • My heart goes out to you, Christine, and your brave outlook. I just acknowledge the grief when it comes. I don’t try to judge it or fight it, I just really look at it. That seems to bring a certain peace.

  6. Hi Cynthia, it is a bit late that I found this post, but I want to say that I do hope you will find a publisher for your beautiful poetry and that I am so sorry you lost your partner. I enjoy your wise words every time I read them!

    For the poetry: may I suggest my own publisher? Winter Goose in California. They don’t take in new submissions at the moment but then you can try later 🙂 http://wintergoosepublishing.com/submissions/. 🙂 xx

  7. Thank you so much, Ina. I did buy a copy of your book, Veritas and enjoyed it; you give such a unique twist and perspective to things. The quality of Winter Goose Publishing is definitely superior to other poetry books I’ve collected, so maybe when they are accepting new manuscripts again, I’ ‘ll give it a try…..thanks again.

  8. I have enjoyed reading some of your poems, Cynthia, and am very sorry for your loss. Your husband? I am 66 yrs. old and have been married to my only husband for over 47 yrs. We hold every day and year we have in life as special, and we are so blessed for what God has given us. My best to you.

    • Hello Joyce…..How lucky you are! A friendship of 47 years is a great blessing and treasure—one I daresay not so many people are privileged to enjoy. When one is suddenly bereft of that, it truly seems like the end of the world. But the loss is not so much an event as it is a journey, one in which great love proves to be eternal. Thank you so much for stopping by, and many more special days to you!

  9. You are so right Cynthia. Those traumatic experiences demand to be remembered. It is well over thirty years since the death of my daughter. Yet each year on her birthday, anniversary of her death and mother’s day, it becomes yesterday. With time, it softens but I don’t believe it ever goes away.

    There is nothing out of date about your work and I am thrilled to finally find it.

    bisous et calins,
    Léa

    • Thank you, Lea. To join the human condition in this particular way is a kind of knowledge that is never forgotten…but teaches us that we suffer together, which is what the word “compassion” means….

      • What The Little Prince Learned:
        Voici mon secret. Il est trés simple: on ne voit bien qu’avec le coeur. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.”
        “Now here is my secret. It is very simple. It is only with one’s heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.” – Antoine de Saint Exupéry

  10. Not quite 4 years now–oh grief, it weighs the heart, yet fills it still with memories and love that cannot die. I always wondered about the often heard statement that poetry isn’t marketable, whether it was actually true, or just meant to discourage us poets. Perhaps it’s more marketable these days…. Paul Lenzi has me thinking that I might still self-publish, not with the goal of selling, though–I don’t care about that, but it would be fun to have books to give to special people.

    • If you don’t care about someone paying you for your poetry, then you certainly can publish. Everyone seems to be self-publishing these days. (They used to call it “vanity” publishing, but now it’s called “independent” or “indie” publishing.) Of course you have to foot the bill for printing, and do your own promoting and distributing, but now, with the computer world, you can even print as few or as many copies of your book as you want, and get more “on demand”. ( In the past, self-publishing authors had to pay for a specified number of copies, and often ended up with hundreds of their unsold books in their cellars or attics!) There are quite a few options for poetry chapbooks….just Google that…..and Amazon has an interesting option called Create Space you might want to look into. If you are pining to publish, this is a great time to try it….you’ll have a lot of company!

      • Ah yes, “Vanity” publishing–I think there was even a company called Vanity Press. It sounded insulting, but “indie” is very “now”. Cynthia, I hope my comment didn’t strike the wrong chord, re grief. I meant it from the heart, but sometimes that gets lost in translation, ‘specially in comment boxes….

  11. Tragic reality,l felt the pain while reading post.In 1987 l suffered a severe heart attach ,the whole family was devastated but the good Lord gave a new lease of life.The agony of the past made me appreciate every new morning with my family ,it gave new perspective how to value every day..Sorry for losing your soul mate..Brighter days are ahead .Jalal

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